Question 163-2017: How?

Tile with text: How did you do it?

Tile with text: How did you do it?

I have no idea. I just did.

It was a difficult and long day, starting out at 5am this morning, when I was called by the hospital to tell me that mom had been coughing up lots of blood in the small hours of the morning and that they had called the doctor and she had been given meds to stop the bleeding. However, that they also have to be careful with the meds as she had already had thrombosis in her left arm. I tried to get back to sleep and maybe slept for two hours on and off in the three or four hours I forced myself to stay in bed, telling myself that mom is in good hands. By 10 I got in my car to go to her and half an hour later I was at her bedside. She was tired. Very tired. I cannot remember the sequence of events after that. My son came roundabout 1pm to support me and of course to see his grandmother and support her too. Then mom said that she feels guilty because it feels like she’s not fighting anymore. I told her that it’s not true, that she’s still fighting and the illness is winning. The cancer. She said she feels guilty because she’s going and she’s leaving us behind. Again I told her that we all know that there comes a time when she’s tired of fighting and we will respect that. She cried. I cried. She seemed to be calm after that. Then it started. She started shivering and her body seemed to have gone into shock. Lots of things happened after that. Meds were being given. A scan was made. They did everything to stabilize her, and they did. But this made us realize even more that it won’t be long now. She’s tired. Literally too tired to fight anymore. She’s still fighting, but it won’t be long now.

I left her at 9pm this evening. My daughter and I left her then. We are going to try and get some sleep, because who knows what tomorrow might bring. Or even this night…

This was my answer in 2016.

~ Marie Rebelle

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